Dramatic changes have affected my life in the last few years...
I don't want to bore anyone so to keep it short...
And during all this time I was still going out regularly, compartmentalizing as much as possible, and working full time. I was tired, but otherwise feeling mostly OK.
The surgery went fine, the meds, some of which will be for life, are still being changed around. But the whole thing was pretty much a miracle to me, and I've gotten a second chance.
So in many ways it's all a bonus going forward :-)
Throughout 2005 I was feeling OK, but somewhat tired, and at the very end of the year I had an accident and cut myself rather badly.
The accident itself turned out relatively minor, but it did drag my into the medical world at the beginning of 2006 where I ended up getting a full blown physical.
Blood tests led to others, led to ultrasounds, led to MRI's, and within a few months I was diagnosed with primary liver cancer. More tests and visits with specialists showed that the tumor had caused other liver damage making it inoperable for conventional surgery and I spent most of the year dealing with liver transplant specialists and being tested, poked, prodded, procedured, and analyzed.
Then, in October, things changed...
I began to retain fluids and started feeling crappy all the time. Meds and diet kept it bearable, my transplant pre-qualifications were quickly finalized but, because my liver enzymes weren't all that high and a tumor of the magnitude of mine doesn't count for points on the wait list I was approved for a transplant but told I wasn't high enough on the list to get one.
And I was still going out regularly
A week later I got a call saying my doctor had made an appeal to UNOS for points based on my tumor's quickening growth and I was now on the list, and 5 days later in late November I got a very unexpected call telling me to come in now - they had a liver for me
Was I scared through this? In the beginning the prognosis and the not knowing was hard to deal with but I knew negativity would breed negativity so I kept it all to the side, pondered it only when I had to, and only a small handful of people knew anything
Why? Because I knew that once everyone knew, my health would be the only conversation anyone would talk to me about... if they didn't avoid me completely because they didn't know what to say.
By the time I got the call there wasn't any fear at all, I'd already been through that, and knew there was really nothing I'd really wanted to do in life that I hadn't done.
By the age of 13 I was fairly accomplished with makeup,and when my family was out I would put on makeup, an androgynous sweater, and a 'wiglet' of my sister's which was popular at the time. I would sit in the front window of the house facing a busy street, and look out at the people in their cars waiting for the traffic light, ducking down when anybody walked by.
In my late teens, some exciting things happened. I bought a car and began driving, and I let my hair grow long, a common phenomenom in the late 60's. I let my nails grow as long as I could without being too obvious, and I was very skinny at the time. I started going out, dressing and putting on makeup and nail polish in my car. Usually I'd wear girls dress slacks, sweater, and medium heel shoes .... my own hair was almost to my waist, and sometimes I'd pierce my ears (with a safety pin) and put in gold hoops.
I'd drive around, going in department stores and the mall, and sometimes the boardwalk at Asbury Park at night. Sometimes I'd stay out dressed for days at a time.
I was scared to death of getting caught, using a ladies room or by someone I knew. I never talked to anyone because of my voice, but as far as I know I always passed. This went on thru my early twenties, exciting but very lonely - I thought I was the only one like me.
No one, family, friends, or girlfriends (I was very heterosexually active) knew anything, and there were always the inevitable purges and depression in between.
I fell very much in love and got married.
For awhile I forgot about my crossdressing, and figured maybe it would go away
now that I was settled down. But of course it didn't. I tried approaching
my wife with the subject, told her it was something I had done in the past
and enjoyed, and her response was not at all pretty, and usually included words like 'disgusting' and 'perverted'. For quite awhile I suppressed
my desires, remaining miserable, but that couldn't last, so I began discreetly dressing again,
though not in public.
Finally, though, the desire to get out as a girl
became overwhelming, and I dressed up in clothes that were thrown together, put on makeup
and a wig I had bought, and went out for the night, just driving around and took a quick walk thru a mall. Coming home late, my wife was waiting up and discovered me with some makeup still on,etc. It
was a disaster, my marriage was at stake, and I had a child on the way, I was told unequivocally to 'stop or I'll leave you' - so I agreed to stop.
Then came the Internet!
I was astounded to find the number
of crossdressers out there with backgrounds amazingly similar to mine.
And the more others I talked to, the more I realized that I would never
be able to stop dressing.
For about 12 years I stopped completely, grew a beard, got fat, and stayed miserable.
About 5 years ago I started meeting other local girls, and going out again on a regular basis. The details of the first year out are in my journal
My wife, who I have always loved dearly, had known nothing of this.
I had never felt I could reapproach the issue with her because of her previous vehemently stated opinions on the subject, so in order to survive I went underground. And for about 3 years I had been dreading the day the shit would hit the fan, knowing in my heart that I would not be able to live 2 lives and remain undiscovered forever.
But I had spent too many miserable years and could not go back to that.
In October 2000, the shit did hit the fan for me! After a weekend trip away, I inadvertently left information about where I had stayed in my wallet where it could be found - and it was.
Everything came out at once, it was a mess!!! ... and my poor wife, who had no idea, could as easily have landed on Mars, it would have been as familiar of a situation to find herself in as the reality was. After the dust settled a little, we started trying to work things out.
Therapy was a start.... I called up an made an appointment with a local therapist specializing in transgender issues, and we went in to see her together for counseling. It started out fairly well, and my wife became quickly immersed in all things transgender, and had someone to talk to about it all. A big point of contention was that I wouldn't give my wife my website address until she had met Suzi, and on New Years Eve I rented a room locally and got ready, and she came and got me for a night out ..... she came in the room, and without saying a word, walked around me, looking, then came over, looked closely at my face, and said 'you did good' ... was I relieved! We then left and drove to an Alternative club where we had dinner reservations, and were meeting a friend and the SO.
The night went fairly well, both SO's hit it off, and another hurdle was passed.
Shortly thereafter, I took my wife for a tour of my website .... she went thru it page by page and listed a few pics she wanted removed.
A few months later I found myself out of work, the therapist visits ended, and we started the long process of working it out ourself.
Though it's been a rollercoaster, my wife has been extraordinary in trying to accept it all.
I've gotten my ears pierced, she's met some of my friends, and become good friends with some of their S.O's.
And while there will always be ongoing issues (aren't there always in a good marriage, whether TG or something else?), they seem to be smaller lately.
All in all the last few years have been really good for me, and I'm still going out regularly.
Sometimes with my wife on girls outings - Most recently to the Baltimore Inner Harbor for a weekend of touristing and dining, to New York State for a shopping weekend, and back to Philadelphia to the zoo, a concert at Penn's Landing, and more touristing and dining. We've also gone to most of the factory outlets in driving range, to New Hope a few times, to the Atlantic City casino's, to NYC and a circle line cruise around Manhattan, to various parties with other local girls and their SO's, and spent a weekend in Center City Philadelphia doing everything from shopping the South Street area and the Gallery Mall to drinks and dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe - with more dining and shopping at the Arts and Crafts show in New Hope on the way home.
The local girls in my area seem to have mostly disappeared these days except for a few loyal friends and a few new girls here and there occasionally and mostly I'm going out alone.
Anyway, life's good at the moment, better than I ever would dreamed of just a few years ago. I'm comfortable being me, have a lot of good friends (who I don't see enough of), and find myself more in love than I've ever been!
My wife is generally a reluctant but pleasant companion but would rather, I'm sure, be somewhere else. And as time goes on she wants to be there less and less so our times out together are waning
But she doesn't mind me going out without her
After almost 5 years I've pretty much burned out on the TG crowd scene - the clubs are always too late to open, I hate the drag shows that seem to be a mainstay of most of the TG places, and getting hit on by other T girls and admirers who don't understand the word 'no' gets old after awhile.
Sometimes I just stay out in the mainstream, and once in awhile I'll meet a group of girls at private parties, but usually I go to a mixed crowd gay bar with a pool table, a 'Cheers' type place where everybody knows my name. T girls are always welcome but seldom frequent.... and sometimes a friend or two shows up, which is nice.